aAll the poems ive written in the past five years...starting with the newest i think and then the oldest.....by Ashley Quebedeau
1.Gothic Tiger
little gothic tiger
sits in a lonely corner
pondering on the horrible memories
that consumes her mind
wondering why the rapes had to happen
wondering why her parents abused her
why so many people she knew had to hurt her
All these memories wont fade away
somehow a part of her soul
a part of her being...has been ripped out of her
Yet this gothic tiger sits in that lonely corner
wanting to cut once more.... to feel relief
but she made a promise to her best friend
she would stop it and become happy
yet today this gothic tiger feels the numbness coming back
and dont know how to talk to him
while he himself is upset... lost in his thinking
2.Wish my life was perfect
wishing upon many stars
each and every night
to be the perfect princess in your eyes
yet that wish never came true
instead i was cinderella in your eyes
the one who did your laundry
the one who took care of you
the one that never spoke up
and you never even thanked me
just critizied me of my faults
yet i was nothing to you
but white trash that could be a servant to you
and for you to call me horrible names
but one night i wished upon a tiny yellow star
crying my heart out...
for someone to take me away from this dungeon of mine
i thought the day would never come
and i would be stuck with you and my stepsister
worry that i may get hurt over and over
to be bash with name calling
and do this and that for you all day
till one starry night
my prince came and took me away
from the damp dungeon i lived in
and he gave me a crown and a huge castle to live in
but most of all he gave me his love and protection
so you and my stepsister can never hurt me ever again
3. My Precious Wolf Baby
i miss my precious wolf baby deep inside my soul
it aches for her love each and every night
as i look at the full moon
remembering her howl to it
to say her sweet goodnights to me
and now im left with just memories of her
never to hear her howl again
never have her jump up and lick me
never to have that full protection again
and here i sit alone to this awful world
to just think of my precious wolf baby
and know that she is up in heaven
waiting for me to come back to her
and feel her fur against my chest again
and know that i love her more than this world itself
4. My Inner Secrets
Misconcepts of the world
dancing around this poor little girls mind
Showing her what has been done to her
always teasing her... replaying all these memories
She shakes her head over and over
screaming LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!
crying out in anguish WHY DO YOU STAY! WHYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
i just want to be happy, normal little girl
like i use to be
instead of this stupid...broken down woman
what have i turned into?
Who am i anymore??
I scream, hit walls.. cut myself
just to let my emotions out
Yet that doesnt help me out
What is wrong with me?
I fall down on my knees...hands buried in my face
crying loudly...Somone one...God anyone
Please hear my pleas
please kill me. let me die in peace
Let me say goodbye to the ones i love so dearly
and not let this pain affect them at all
I cant do anything right
i cant be happy anymore
So i decided in my mind, let me die in peace
with white roses on my coffin..
I want my stuff tiger with me when i die
knowing he was half of my comfort on this earthly world
Yet my other half will hurt more and more
as i rot in my lonely coffin.
Please spare them the torment of me dieing
I love them and just want them to be happy and know i love them.
5.Reflection In the Mirror
reflection in the mirror
staring back at me
doesnt look anything like me
am i crazy?
am i me?
whats going on here
is this reflection me?? or a stranger staring back at me
why cant i see the real me?
why cant i see anything but this image in the mirror
whats going on?
am i clued in to what is happening
or am i stuck in this loophole
just to stay in this dark hole
and never be seen again?
6. Dead Inside Myself
How can i unlock my heart
to someone so dear to me?
How can i unfold all my thoughts
to a person i love so much?
yet deep inside
my soul is filling with acid bubbles
waiting to burst each moment of my life
to take away the very blood inside me
and to replace acid in my veins instead
I weep inside for someone to help me
but i keep my pain to myself
not wanting to hurt anyone else
but myself instead
my organs rot as i lay here dead to the world
wondering if i can fight this loosing battle
or if i should just give up
and be still in a coffin for years to come
7. Plush Thoughts
little plush tiger sitting in a lonely corner
staring at the pitch black wall
pondering on if this tiger could have a heart
and live a life... instead of sitting in this cold corner
yet this tiger is sewed up with thread
and her heart is just made of stuffing
but her mind keeps wondering back to the same thing
i want to be a real tiger.....
i want to experience what life has to bring.......
to find true love and to be loved herself
yet to many confusing situations keep popping up
and to much thinking of how the outcome will be
then again good things swirl in her head,
feeling the grass on her soft fur
feeling the warm breeze brushing about her
and to hear all the wonderful things going on in life
yet here she is, stuck in this corner to be a plush forever
and the feeling sinks in
that she will never be anything else
but a plush for a girl to love
8. Once was a Puppet
stitched up like a good little puppet that i am
people taking ahold of my life
moving my arms, my mouth to what they want
what they think is best for me
they move my legs, to the point of life they want me to have
and never think of what i actually want instead
taking control of my life....take ahold of the strings attach to my body
and make me do some kind of crazy dance for them
to make them happy....instead of me
always to do good in their eyes
till the day...i finally had a mind of my own
had enough of pleasing everyone else's whims
had to take back my life
had to take back my diginity
and give myself happiness
do what i want for a change
instead of pleasing others
yet people are mad at me... no audience coming for the shows
no more money coming into the household
and blame it all on me...for just wanting a life of my own
to be a real girl...with a heart and mind
and not be a puppet anymore
dont want to put on shows for anyone
dont want to make everyone else happy
i want to be myself
be ashley...not this puppet everyone thinks i am
taking ahold of my life
viewing the world newly
breathing in the fresh air for once
and know that i am satisifying myself
and it feels so good... to be human
and do what i want for a change
and to always not let everyone to grow those strings back
and take my life over.... to much heartache for that and no mind as well
first steps to becoming this new ashley
first steps to having a life of my own...no one to tell what is right and wrong
9. Transforming Vampire Thoughts
Running through the woods
feeling the light breeze through my flowing hair
tears flow from my eyes
wanting these feelings to go away
who loves me?
who wants me?
who am i?
to many thoughts going through my mind
winding around the worse possiblities ever
yet these questions torment my soul
each and every night...taking control of my body
then this mistified feeling creeps into my soul
making me hunger for blood...and cant stop that feeling
cant i be normal...like everyone else
or am i this vampire everyone speaks of?
only thinking about blood
watching it flow freely from someones veins
I cant stop the cravings
cant stop being myself....
Oh No!!! No! Its all true... Start to feel
my eyes change colors...
and my body becomes cold as ice
no longer my heart beats a minute
and nothing can kill me deep inside
days like this i want to wither away
and that the sun will take me away
yet i have a lot of good days
trying to find a lover
so i wont be so miserable for eternity
and that he will love me just the way i am
10. Heart of a Tiger
The tiger inside of me jumps out each and everyday
always showing people who i am...
and thats being a loveable tiger
Always playful and clever when it comes to playing games
always ready to crouch down and hunt some poor helpless animal
I can be a playful little kitten or can be a ferocious cat
when it comes to someone messing with my friends
I will bear my teeth and may bite some people
who will make fun of my friends...and never back down from a showdown
I can be a nice little tiger or a mean little tiger
but its your choice if you ruffle my fur
and dont get mad at me if you do ruffle my fur
and thought i wont say something mean
All and all im just a silly,playful tiger
who romps around the grassland
and desire love in my life
but most of all love just being my tiger-self.
11. God I need You
My heart is breaking at this moment
and i dont know what to do......
i want to cut so badly but i dont want to do it again
my heart is tearing, leaking, bleeding so badly
god take this away! take it
i want to be whole again
not in pieces like ive been in
im a mess, please forgive me
im sorry for everything ive done in the past.
im trying my best not to do anything stupid
i love you with all my heart
i need you! i need you!
why arnt you here?
i cant feel you
i dont hear you
why? why torment me??
did i do anything wrong?
God i love you
i need you in my time of darkness
but i dont hear you when it starts pouring
im in the middle of this mist
and yet i dont feel you
why?
why?
why?
im at my ends wits
people around me want to die
i should do the same...
im done! im done!
let me die,
let me die right now in peace
let me say farewell to anthony
tell him i love him so much
but my heart is breaking to much
for me to live on
God im crying to you
pick me up and set me right
i need you right now
make me not cut myself
God please i dont want too
but that urge is back
and stronger than before
God stop it, please i beg you
i dont want to cut anymore, but it consumes my life
i have to much in my life
let me curl up and die right now
i love you. Farewell old ashhy
and maybe a new one will spring forward,
much love ashhy
12. Zombie Thoughts......
How do you break this awful curse
always feeling the need to eat human beings
just the taste of them makes me excited
but i dont want to become this monster anymore
i need to find a cure from this disease
thats slowly eating at me...giving me unwanted desires
I try not giving into these cravings of mine
but they get so out of control that i give in
Drinking in the lovely warm blood
tasting the flesh inside my mouth
Just thinking about it makes me crave more and more
oh please tell me how i can get rid of this desire
I just want to be a human again
to love someone...to cheerish them
Yet im infected with this disease
and there no cure to take back this
slow eating disease....which consumes my mind and soul
each little baby step i take.... consuming me to the dark side
Feeling it turn everything inside of me black as sulfur
making everything burn to bits....leaving me feel empty inside
not wanting any desire yet the nice warm blood and flesh of humans
that takes me over the edge...wanting to suck the life out of someone
makes me very excited and wanted to do it more and more
each and everyday....but i hold back on my cravings
thinking im still human in this body
but the more i hold back the more the craving comes
and my dead mind takes over and makes me eat
some helpless human....letting them become just like me
a zombie who is mixed up in my own mind
and cant change anything for the world.
13. My love for you is strong
My love for you is very strong
and cant hold back what im feeling anymore
I want to hold you....cuddle with you
play with your gorgueous hair
as i look deep into your eyes
and tell you how much i love you
and how much you mean to me
baby i cant say this enough
but you make me feel whole
like im worth something in this world
and i dont want that to leave me
i want this feeling and more to stay with me
Your the only one that wipes my tears away
and hug me and tell me everything is okay
and that your always there for me....no matter what happens
I want you always to be in my arms.....
to be my protector and love me for who i am.....
14. Little Tiger
im a sweet little tiger
always full of energy
ready to pounce on anything
Waiting to sneak up on some poor butterfly
just to try and catch it
yet i hit the soft wet grass face first
but get back up and hunt another helpless little thing
i cant find anything to hunt....so i go to mom
and i swat her tail.....just to annoy her
She turns around and gives me that look
so i sulk around the lively jungle
to get away from mother......
15. Deadly Dreams
laying here at night
thinking about you as i lay here
wondering if you are going to be okay
and that your not going to give up on life
but the more i think about you
my heart breaks into million of tiny pieces
pieces that are tainted to black sulfur
dripping slowly into my veins
to be circulated through my body
letting my feelings be teased by this
knowing i will never hold you
kiss you nor talk to you face to face
i only see this in a dream
and wish hard that it could be real
and when i open my eyes
that dream is gone forever
and makes me feel horrible once again
to feel lonely and that im not wanted in this world
I cry on my cold lonely bed
letting my pillow absorb the tears
and my thoughts turn darker than before
wanting me to cut myself again
turning that lovely idea over and over in my mind
and finally i take a razor blade to my ivory smooth skin
feeling the blade slide across my sweet flesh
watching the blade cut into my skin as it starts dripping blood '
off the metal blade and drip to the floor
pooling around me...like a red velvet blanket
wrapping itself around me
letting the warm leave my soul and let the coldness enter instead....
dear lover please leave white roses on my coffin
and dont weap for me...it wasnt your fault
it was mine all along..... and this was my only escape route
and the only way to make myself happy for once in my life
Rest in peace dear sweet child of mine
ill dream of you forever and ever....
16. Why Me?
Tears flowing down my pale face
as you tear my heart open infront of me
Taking away all the sanity i had left
telling me im better than anything
when im not...im a nobody
nobody who cant be loved
Am i that bad? or what???
why do i have to be so sad...
I was happy till you reopened my stitches
and let the blood flow from my wound
not wanting it to heal properly
and get on with life
Cant i keep it stitched up
and not have to keep bandaging it up everyday
Cant i???can you tell me that
i want to be here i want to be there
yet i feel lonesome and nobody wants me
fine ill shrivel up and die alone
face this world on my own
and never feel loved
sigh the only thing that loves me is my blood
that drips from my veins
and will be the last thing i will see
before i die...in this cold lonely world.
17. Saying Good-bye to this cruel world
Sitting alone in this lonely cell i call a bedroom
no windows, no fresh air....nothing
Just watching the pretty walls
fade to a musty brown color
Watching as i see myself change with the walls
feeling myself getting colder and colder within myself
Cant do nothing but let it seep deep inside of me
and wait for it to consume me whole
But this is torture to myself
feeling myself feel glazed and dazed
dont know what to do
everyone i called help for didnt come to rescue me
so why should i stay here
why?? no one loves me in this lonely world
The only one that cared was me a long time ago
and now im loosing that part of me
Feeling myself rip apart of the Ashley i use to know
and these evil cruel thoughts swish through my head again
Telling me go ahead cut...you know you want too
i smile at that thought..yes that would be lovely
And somehow a knife appears in my hand out of nowhere
and i look at my arm and then back at the knife
I finally stop thinking...take the knife to my arm
and rip open my old wound again
Feeling the warm blood drip onto me
feeling it becoming cold as it drops onto my clothes
Eyes staring at it...laughing at what i did
knowing that i am happy...and drink up all the blood
and know that it was going to be a happy death
and that this world wont be so cruel anymore
my mixed feelings go away...and that Ashley can be content again
and be on her merry way
Yet she accidently cut too deep this time...
and knowing she did...she feels herself becoming cold
deep inside....and she lays down in that cell of hers
curled up in a ball..holding her bloody arm
closed her blue gray glazed eyes
and whispered i love you.... and never wakes up ever again.
18. Yesterday Thoughts
i lay on my lonely solitude bed
thinking of things on yesterday
wondering what things i screwed up
And cant change it for the world
thinking how yesterday would of changed
if i went back in time to change my destiny
Would it be for the better or worse?
this plays in my mind as a broken record
never seizing one moments notice
Seeing on the map of the world
i cant change nothing..but accept the changes
and love myself for them
instead of thinking the worse
and get on with life
yet this map of mine wants to change courses
and doesnt know how too right now
kinda stuck in this lonely retched life
and wants to fly free into the world
Wanting to move away from family
away from the fighting...away from the abuse
away from everything and have a happy normal life
I want to be that beautiful butterfly
that can soar high into the sky
and never think of any negative thoughts again
be free of worries
be free of family
be free of everything
want to be on my own
but stuck in this web of mine
and cant get out of it just yet
my wings are tied down
not wanting to loosen for me
to wiggle free from it and move on with life
how do i get out?
can anyone help me
can anyone set me free???
if so can someone tell me the directions
of getting out of it
and to move on in life?
i want to be that butterfly
that can live on freely and live forever
and never think of things again
Can i be that beautiful butterfly
or do i shrivel up and just die
in that web of mine?
does anyone know this question or destiny of mine?
i want to be that butterfly
that lives on forever more...
19. My Heart Bleeds
my heart breaks to many pieces
as i hear you speak of killing yourself
and i cant do anything to change your mind
You are the only one in my life that understands me
and if you die this instant im lost forever
dont know how to feel..as i hear you speak over and over
And i cant change your mind
do i make myself feel guilty
of the decision you make?
How do i go on
how do i? when i hear that
you will take the only sanity i have left
and throw that down the tubes
make me feel dead inside
and im trying my best to show you that little light
But in the end its you that has to see that light
and its you to get through this...
but always know im beside you...waiting to help you
through all this hard stuff in your life
Please please i pray you wont kill yourself
i love you too much to do that..
i want you to be happy and always know
i love you with all my heart.
20. Ready to give my burdens to Him
Carrying the shame is very difficult
everyday thinking its my fault
and thinking what if i did this
Would it help me out somehow to get through this pain
or would it make things worse throught out the years
To many thoughts running through my mind
What to do what to do
how can i sort out all my thoughts
when they run a thousand times in my head
spinning and spinning into chaos
not letting me slow down for just a little bit
wanting me to feel lost and confused
But no more... im through thinking like that
i have people who love me for me
and not judge me on who ive become
They want me to shine.... not to grow dim
they want me to laugh.....not cry
they want me happy........not mad
The only weird part is to forgive myself
thats the hardest thing in my life
but im ready to give my burdens to God
Im done feeling alone in this world
Im done feeling like thing were my fault
Im done feeling upset all the time
Im ready to change into a new born butterfly
ready to set flight and look at the world differently
and to love myself and everything around me
Im ready to give my burdens to Him
and show him how much i love Him
and to get back on track with my life
And to feel better about myself
and know that i am loved in this world
and to know how to let go of all the shame in my life.....
21. Understanding who the real me Is
I feel myself changing slowly but surely
what am i changing into?
am i a monster deep within
Or am i thinking to much
on how people perceive me
just wanting approval on a lot of things
Wanting to a perfectionist on everything
trying to not let people down
is this the real me?
What am i?
thats the real question... that lies deep inside of me
that lays hard on my heart in the middle of the night
Where my mind wonders around
trying to grasp on who the real ashhy is
deep inside of herself
Maybe she found who she belongs too
maybe she knows what she is deep inside
but wants to hide it from people... because they wont approve of it
Just look down and think that shes just trying to be a poser
but im not.. this is me..showing you the real me
showing all the scars i bear on my arm
Letting out all my anger on myself
thinking im not a worthy person to live on this earth
and that i just need to disappear and never come back
Till i found out.. im not alone in this battle
i have many people who understand who i am
and now i can proudly say im a gothic/emo person
If your not cool with who i am
then dont speak to me.. cant bear anymore pain
from people who are sick and evil in this world
And im finally speaking out on who i am
and im loving it each and every moment
being with people who are just like me....
22. Slowly turning to perfection
All these years of sitting here thinking im not special at all
thinking im not worth anything in this life
just wanted to curl up and die
Yet you came into my life
telling me im so special that i have a life ahead of me
something worth while in this life
Tears fall down as i begin to let this information seep into me
while im finally figuring out
im drowning in my inperfections
each and every day
Letting them take control of me
letting it control how my life will be
turning my world from white to grey
in two seconds flat...turning it upside down
I let all this information seep into my brain
as the tears fall down my pretty pouty face
trying to figure out how to let go of this imperfection of mine
Feeling myself drowning in my imperfections once again
like some kind of quicksand trap
that wont let me be
Clawing my way out of it
trying to see how beautiful i am
fighting to get my light back from the darkness...
Fighting and fighting keeps going in hand
battle after battle of this
keeps going but never giving up
Wanting to win over this huge accomplishment
wanting to see perfection through these ocean blue eyes of mine
and no more imperfection coming out
Wanting to live a normal life
nothing bad to deal with
yet this is life.. one battle after another...
Seeing what will win
my darkness or my light
but im fighting the biggest battle yet
waiting for my outcome to be really good
waiting for God to step in and take my weary hand
and fight off all the darkness inside my soul
Let me rest in peace
and be happy forever more
and to love myself.. and not to look at the bad ever again
Let my light shine brighter than it did before
and that my imperfection doesnt take a toll on me again
trying to bring back my old habits
Loving myself is the first step
for this healing process
and hoping in the end my progress will be rewarding...
23. Not Alone Anymore
Feeling alone each and everynight
and had no one to run too
so i always ended up cutting myself
Finally i had a special person in my life
and i came to you, bearing my whole being
and wanted that peace in my life
I told you that i wanted to quit cutting
but i dont want to be alone anymore...
when i get to this point
You gave me a hug and said im always here for you
always be your superhero...waiting to rescue you
from cutting yourself anymore
Your not alone
just need to look up to the sky
and see that there are more things in this life
that can be happier instead of thinking of sad memories
Im always here when you need comfort
im always a phone call away
and will fly over when you need me
to comfort your broken soul
wiping away your sadden tears
from your pale face
Always know your not alone in this world
you have God and me to love you forever
and always let that light of yours to shine brighter
than the darkness..that hides deep inside of you
24. Rest in peace dear Ashley
Im lost in this broken place once again
everything i say comes out wrong,
and dont mean it.
Stressed and weirded out
takes a toll on my soul
Sleep,Sleep forever more
and to never wake up
Is my dream
yet it wont come true
so leave me be in this world
Let my heart break
into bloody black pieces
And never bandage
up the old wounds
people have given me in the years of my life
Let everything bleed black
and drip out of me
Let the venom out
in puddles and puddles of blood
Just let it run out of me
let the darkness win
I dont care right now
tired of fighting this off
Weary in the end
to keep my light lit just by myself
Let me die in peace
and put white roses on my casket
and remember Ashley
loved you all very much.
25. Dreaming to visit the Beach
walking along the beach is
one of many dreams i want to do
Just to feel the wet sand between my toes
and to be with the person i so dearly love
To hold his hand and walk along the shore
is only a wish that may come true
I would love to watch the sunset with him
and know that he will love me forever
26. Sitting here on this hard tiled floor
Sitting here on this hard tiled floor
have my knees tucked under my chin
hugging them to feel close to something
Black tears stain my pale face
as i feel nothing inside
except that i should just end this life
and thinking why im going down this dark
spiraling tunnel...as my soul floats out of me
tainting everything inside of me to sulfur
Feeling it burning my veins as it turns it black
smiling to feel the sweet pain all over again
and wishing that it will stay for sometime
Wanting to feel alive inside
that i will do anything to keep that feeling going
even if it means for me to rip my arm open once again
ill do it in a heartbeat just to be happy
and feel the calmness inside me once again
and not have to fear who i am or what i changed into
Ahhh so many thoughts swishing around my head
as some of the thoughts are repeating over and over
just like a broken record,,,, but that never turns off
nor changes the tune
Cant i be happy with my life
and forgive myself and move on with my life
or do i want to stay here in the same rut
Oh i dont know what to do
please God help me out
what am i suppose to do?
God help me understand who i am
and that i can understand what im suppose to do
in this miserable life...
27. Wishful Thinking....
My little fairy world doesnt like me at all
so i retreat to the moon
and look up to the milky midnight sky
with my big soulful eyes
Wishing that these stars will grant me my wish
and that anyone will listen to me
when my soul is stirred up and feel like dieing in the end
I want to fly away from all of this
but my wings are tattered and wilted
from all the pain and grief in my life
Its taken a toll on my body
making me feel weak in the stomach
and keep nothing down
Just want to die and say goodbye
but im still holding on to hope
that someone will rescue me from this
Tell me that everything will be fine
and that your prince charming is here to rescue you
just have to hang on a little more
and will know my life will be better once again
28. Soul Hunting.....
digging deep into my soul
i feel like my sanity is being pulled
out of my body and being replaced with insanity,lost,emptiness
and many more feelings i wish not to have
I ask myself these simple little questions
why am i turning so dark inside
that my heart is turning black as midnight
and that it will never be back to its healthy self
Wondering how im getting through this tough time
i turn to my vanity mirror..
to show me answers to my sorrowful soul
I look straight into my deep ocean blue eyes
and see that something else is taking over
seeing my eyes glaze as the darkness takes over my soul
Anger rises from me
and i throw the mirror onto the tiled floor
hoping it breaks into a million little pieces
so that i dont have to ever see deep inside of my soul again.
29. Crying out for help!!
Im a broken little child
emotions arising to the occasion
So out of control
and dont know who to run too
I pray and pray to God
crying,pleading help me....
God help me out, Im so broken
and need peace in my life
Yet i hear no response
nor His presence during my darkest times
Im running out of options
except cutting myself
Yet i yern for hope
that someone will help me
Climb out of this darkness
and see the bright light
Today I've found a person
to run too and help me when
I am down
and still love me through all
this broken pain.
30. Love or darkness...which will win
Sitting in my confined walls
thinking will i be loved
or is the darkness going to take over this time
Voices start whispering
evil little thoughts inside my head
trying to bait me, and that cutting
will be the only way out of this
inhuman pain.
At first i sit there
rocking back and forth
thinking no one loves me....
how will i be cured from this insanity.
I stare at my scars
thinking back when i cut myself
leaving these scars on my flesh
making me feel alive
somehow... wanting it to come
back and consume my life.
Yet there is another hope for me
and that is love....
knowing that special one is out there
I sit there thinking over this
new form of hope
hoping it will come true
and not some fairy tale
that doesnt come true.
The day passes on more slowly
than i though
tand hear something tapping onto my walls
Not knowing what it is
but curious of what it could be
waiting patiently to see what
son the other side of my walls
after two hours
my walls come
crashing down
and see this special person
coming to rescue me
and to love me forever and ever
and that my inner pain never
comes back.
31. Chains Falling away from me.....
These chains around my soul
they tighten when i move
trying to squirm out of them
they wont let go
all i hear
is dripping water
down in this dungeon
of mine
at moments i feel alone
no one to hear my pleas.. my cries
chained there crying my eyes out
i see a bright light
coming towards me
i lift my head to see what it was
and i saw god
right infront of me
His arms spread out
He speak kind words
Child ive always been here
ive been waiting for you to call on me
now that you have
you earn peace
in this trial of yours
I bow my head crying still
thanking god to be here for me
i pray that these chains would be removed
and my soul be free as a bird
and in an instant
i feel this weight lift off of me.
i could breathe again
and be free again.
32. Inner Pain
Washing my world away
as i lay on my bed
feeling my pain come crashing up out of my soul
Wounds so deep I cant heal them
they reopen each and everyday
leaving horrible scars on my arm and my soul
Crying black tears in the middle of the night
wondering if anyone can hear my screams
as i cut deeper each time i cant bear the pain
Watching the venom blood puddle around me
feeling myself growing cold each passing minute
i just look up at the ceiling waiting for the moment
I rest my wiery eyes for good
and no one will ever care i left this ugly
lonely world....
33. God is there for me
To this day I remember the bad memories of my childhood
remembering the day when my mother had heart surgery
when I was only 10 years old
Thinking she will not make it
I was scared but I prayed over and over
telling God please let mom stay... I need her
and God answer my prayer
After this happened.. at the ages of ten,eleven,and sixteen
three guys had took advantage of me and took my trust away
Not trusting anyone afterwards.. thinking they will do it again
I kept to myself and been a loner from then on
but somehow I felt like someone was there for me
till I turned my back on Him.
My teen years spiraled from this
because the trauma was eating at my soul
replaying those awful images
That I started cutting myself
because I had no one there for me at that time
no one knew me and it upset me so much that I went for the knife
and took it out on myself
Till the day I went to church for the second time in my life
I go in and I could feel the presence of God
and the preacher was talking
and I felt the love and peace for once in my life
From there I gave my life over to God
promising Him that I would stop hurting myself
just to be with him
I didnt want to feel the anguish and hurt anymore
just wanted someone there for me
and he was there all along
waiting for me to cry out to Him.
To this day I've kept my word
and that God is helping me out more and more each passing day
and want to give Him thanks for everything that has been done for me
and that He loves me for me..
34.NO More!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Running so much in this barren forest
too tired to run away from my evil problems
just want to rest for a while
and see the good for once in my life
NO MORE Death in my life
NO MORE Hurt
NO MORE B/S in my life
NO MORE Scars to hide
from everyone
NO MORE hiding who i am
This is the real me
complicated, mixed up inside
just want someone to love me for me
even with all my flaws
all the mistakes ive done in my life
but will care im happy forever
Im done hiding in the shadows
done playing hide and seek with people
Done hiding my emotions
under this so called "happy" mask
I WANT PEACE AND HAPPINESS in my life
And im ready to change it.
35. Gothic Fairy Princess
Once in a forest land
there was this fairy
flying around this lonely world of hers
she stops into this open space
looking up into the summer night
listening to the music her people were singing
huming to herself
she felt lonely for sometime now
and dont know who to run too
No fairy guy liked her
and she ponders on why they dont like her...
am i ugly? am i a monster??
What kaysha didnt know
a handsome prince fairy
was sitting in a tree branch
way above her.
He gazes upon her beauty
watching her long ashhy brown hair
flow with the breeze
Seeing that her dress fits her figure perfectly
and her wings, were very long
and multiple colors of green
Mesmerized by her stunning appearance
he starts singing out loud
and Kaysha looks up and sees him there
Shocked to see him there
shes kinda scared and asked why he was there
he looks into her deep soulful eyes
and says im gazing upon your beauty
He walks up to her
takes her into his arms
and kisses her deeply.
Seperate for a few minutes
the prince asks her to be his wife
and of course she says yes
knowing now someone loves
her for her.
36. Who am i inside this body?
Windy nights play upon my mind
wondering where I'm at.
Is this my house?
are these my things?
What am I?
A monster or person... please tell me
Am I a fairy
disguised as a human
Wanting to be normal
but different at the same time
Who am I?
Am I Ashhy or someone else?
Am I even here
or is all of this a dream.
Please someone tell me
Who am I?
37. Mixed Feelings inside of me
Disappear in this life
Happy since im invisible
in peoples eyes
Scream, throw things doesnt get their attention
but cutting does
hmm go figure
I cut myself not because of attention
but all the loneliness, hurt in my life
cant take it all
feel empty inside
yet i cant control these feeling
screaming/crying doesnt help.
only thing that calms my nerves down
is blood... and more blood
feel so much better and dont understand it
Am I crazy?
Am i loosing it?
Am i a monster who loves blood and cant get enough of it?
Am I???
38. where am i
My heart breaks into pieces
crumbling right infront of me
just like a broken mirror
Crying crystal teardrops
onto the pieces of my heart
trying to figure out who i am inside
Am i a good person? or what
i feel so crumbly inside
and dont understand why
Does anyone hear me
cry out into the night
as the pieces turn pitch black
in the middle of the night
Is there anyway to heal this broken heart of mine
to make the pieces pink and healthy again?
Will i survive all of this and go on with my life??
Is this me or a monster
staring at the black pieces on the floor
laughing as the pieces shrivel up and die
seeing that ashhy has died in some sort of way
never to return again
in the same body as she is captured in.
39. Whats the use
Whats the use hiding myself?
Even if i keep it to myself
i get hurt in the end.
I open up and i get hurt
keeping it to myself and i still hurt
and feel loneliness with it
Im tired of playing this mind game
want to be cure from this disease
eating away from me
Im done hiding who i am
im done hiding my scars
where i inflicted pain to myself
years of hurt, wearing me out
just want to have peace inside myself
and feel happy instead
No more thinking of harming myself
no more keeping to myself
and more to opening myself up to my closest friend
and hope he still loves me.
40. Tattered Heart Strings
An angel from heaven
had hope in her life
Always happy, giggly
till the day something horrible happen to her
Her heavenly world got turned upside down
and her soul spiraled down this dark tunnel
Her heart was breaking into million of pieces
right infront of her
Trying to pick these pieces up
try supergluing them back into place
But the glue isnt strong enough
and they fall right back onto the heavenly sky
dropping into earth
as icy cold rain drop tears
These feelings inside this angel
has tattered her heart
tainted it with earthly thinking
and feelings getting the best to her
her tattered heart may not
be fixed after all.
41. Is this a dream or reality in my mind
Standing here in my lovely white tiled bathroom
I look up at the mirror
leaning forward trying to see deep inside my soul
All i see at that moment is the blue ocean of my eyes
and lean back trying to figure out why
im locking myself out of my own mind
Am i afraid of myself or what?
or is it because i changed into a horrible monster
and dont want to see myself like that
I try entering my mind again
knocking on the rose design oak doors
and it opens up to me
I enter through the huge double doors
and walk on this narrow path
looking at everything in this wonder world of mine
i see that its full of bare trees
and that the sky is a hazy gray with a hint of light blue
but can feel the isolation in those clouds above
i walk a little bit on the beaten path
that i must have done when i was here
a long time ago
i keep walking a little farther
and see something shimmering a little ways up
im curious and go straight to it.
Its a beautiful lake... sparkling in the dim sunlight
being mesmerized by the beauty of the lake
i see bubbles forming in the middle of the lake
and suddenly a mermaid/evil girl comes
spiraling out of the water
she has her head down,her hair covering her face except her eyes
her eyes were pitch black... evil looking
had a grim smile showing her fangs to me
She had her hands spread open
and you can see black blood spilling from her wounds all over her body
turning the water to a murky black color from the blood
im frozen into place... thinking to myself run ashley run
but my body isnt listening to my mind
and i sit there watching her disgusted beauty comes toward me
I want to run but she has a hold of my mind
can feel her powerful being
chanting for me to stay and stare forever
I hear a wolf cry in the distance
and woke me up from the trance she put on me
and ran for my life
Looking back i see that she is running after me
wanting to devour my soul
and to savour that delicious appetite of hers
Running through the barren trees
being scraped and bleed a little by the low branches
thinking God hide me from this evil woman....dont let her smell my blood
and track me down like that.
Finally i come to an open space of land
and its like time has frozen into place
waiting for the moment goodness
will conquer this evil world of mine
Somehow seeing this open place
pushes me to the edge of insanity
I scream out onto the cold bare land
trying to gain control of my mind
but i feel like im slipping
loosing this battle
I scream/cry
to just get it out of my system
but emptiness swallows me whole
and i slump down to my knees
Crying...Im just saying sorry over and over again
as i rip open my arm
feeling the blood flow out of my veins
calming down when i see my own blood
I know i did something wrong
but i hear someone creeping up on me
and i turn around
seeing you standing there
Tears streaming down your gorgeous face
seeing the horrible thing ive done to myself
i think to myself... Do you still love me???
Fearing you wont... i just try to hide myself and disappear
but you come up to me, wrap me in your arms
and hold on to me
letting me know you will always be there for me
no matter what i do.
You wipe my tears away
and kiss my salty lips
and look down at my arm
Tears still fall down your face still
you tell me to never hurt myself again
or you will leave me for good.
That made me think a lot on what you said
and something inside of me clicked
and i feel happy for the first time in my life
I smile... and look around this place
and see that everything is changing
growing to become beautiful instead of barren
See that the trees have green leaves on them
hear birds chirping..
and see butterflies flying around this world of mine
I realize now that my life is changing
and dont have to worry of coming back to this
place again.. knowing ill be fine
Since i have my prince charming..
always there to catch me when i fall
and love me for me..
no matter what i do.
42. Shadows of the Night
shadows of the night
lurk around every corner of my innerself
trying to take over my soul
The shadows smell my delicous soul
wanting to devour every last bit of it
trying to take over me completely
Thinking my heart will be turned to black sulfur
if they take away my soul
but they are so wrong
I smile as they come my way
knowing i have people on my side
helping me keep my light brightly lit
The darkness trys to swallow me whole
trying to fight the shadows off
makes me weary... and i give up
I see myself fall to the ground
feeling my heart turn black and hateful
for a few minutes
till i remember one special person in my life
and the memories i have with him
brings the inner light back to my heart
winning over the shadows of the night
was tough but i had someone to help me remember
that good will always win over evil.
43. Your special to me
When i hear your voice
all my worries go away
and dont think of anything bad..because i have you
I havent told you this but I think
your special to me..
to have you in my life has change my perspective of the world so much
that i didnt know i could feel happy
I dont want you out of my life... EVER
your the special person who put a fire in my heart
to go on in life and never give up
You may think your worthless or meaningless
but listen to me... your something to me
more than anything in this world
YOU are the one to help me out of my darkest places
telling me everything will be fine
dont worry im here for you no matter what happens
Your that special person in my life
and never want that to change
because i love you with all my heart
44. Lost within yourself
Sitting at your vanity mirror
looking into it for a long time
thinking of memories that shouldnt arise from your heart
Looking deep into your hazy blue/gray eyes
trying to see if you can mend your old wounds
that open up when you pick at the truth
hidden deep within
As you try to see deep within your soul
trying to walk down the long hallways
but every step you take.. feel yourself
sinking deeper into the floor
with each step you take
Feeling helpless and cant move your body
you start screaming..HELP,HELP
but no one comes to rescue you
You start thinking is there anyone going to help me
get me back up on my feet
waiting for that moment to come
but no one is there and you start to weep
knowing its over for you
45. My lovely wolf doggie....
Thinking back of the wonderful years i had
with my wolf dog as i called her
seeing now that she is battling something
and dont even know what it is
All these years she has been fiesty
of all her wonderful 15 years on earth
not caring who was around
but to keep us safe
I tear up as i think of her dieing
and knowing she is in some kind of pain
and i cant do anything for her
but pray and ask God if she can survive this
and live a little longer
just knowing that i will love her.
46. My Dreamworld
Everyday as i walk about this world
i daydream thinking how wonderful my life should be
but then snap back to reality and see its another boring day
Oh my dreams are very brillant
as the dazzling stars in the sky
twinkling at night as my dreams rise to the occasion
taking over my mind
Seeing wonderful geese flying above
and that the sky is very bright in the day
and see wonderful flowers blooming around me
The air is a soft breeze flowing around
taking away any tention of this world
and letting me sore high in this dreamworld
Letting go of everything in my real world
and seeing my dream world
as another perspective of my life.
47. bad memories
To this day i still remember my childhood like it was yesterday
all the horrible things done to me
and never to face the fact it wasnt my fault
I remember so well what my friends' dad done to me
remembering him touching my face..calling me a good girl
all the hate comes back this moment
Feel sick to my stomach
ive always blamed myself..for all the sexual abuse done to me
thinking i should have stopped it
My mind tells my heart
its not your fault.. you didnt ask them to do that too you
but my heart says a different thing
After all that has been done
they really torn me apart...
my mind,spirit and perspective of this world
Yet to this day..im trying my hardest
to get back on track and have love in my heart
as i once did when i was young.......
48.God hear my cries at night
The day i first new you on a personal level
you filled me with the holy spirit
and took away my desires of cutting myself
and all my evil thoughts
Now it feels like you left me
and dont hear my cries at night
Are you there for me?
All the stuff in the past is coming back up
all the horrible details of my past
and i dont know how to deal with it
without you in my life.
Flashbacks are haunting me
at this very moment
God are you there?
im crying to you
please answer my prayer
and lift my spirit back up
and to forget all the horrible stuff in my life
Can you hear me crying out to you
asking you to take this away
but i hear nothing...
just crickets chirping at night
God please come back to me
i love you with all my heart
and need you at this moment..
49. didnt even bother to pick up
You didnt bother to pick up the phone
when i kept calling you every two minutes.
why didnt you listen to your voice mail?
Did you even bother to see what i was calling for
Did you even care that my life was on the line
trying to call you one more time
to say my last goodbye
and that i can be at rest and leave this world
but that never happened
and wish that you would have listen to your voice mail
to hear my voice one more time.
50. Born Again Christian
I remember the days i was robbed of my trust
from people i really trusted with my heart
and that crushed my being
I remember it all so clear and i ask you
why did you let that happen?
am i ever going to figure that out
I cry and cry trying to forget the bad memories of it
and then a black mist covers me up
and think of bad thoughts of cutting myself and even killing myself
Everytime i prayed to you
i never hear your voice
telling me your there
and that just made things worse
Till the day i went to church and felt your presence again
and i cried right there.. on my knees saying im sorry for ever doubting you
and You swept over me and lift my spirit back up
and gave me my strength back and my being a new life
I can feel the change inside of me
knowing that you are there once again by my side
and protect me through all my darken days.
51. Is this love or what?
The past few months
have changed me completely
ive met a wonderful person and
i was scared at first to let him in my life
thinking he will hurt me like all the others
but the months keep going and
i open up and brought down all my walls
that i built up over the years
just to show him the real me
i guess you can say i fell head over heals in love with him
doing things i would never do in my lifetime
something about this person
showed me love and affection
for the first time in my life
and i feel alive for once
everything is spinning in this whirlpool
always thinking of him and how he saved me
from all this evil stuff in my life
my love grows for him
each and every minute i talk to him
i try to savor all our special moments
but i hunger for more and more each day
who am i?
am i really loving him or what
how can i change so fast and not know it
I love him no matter what
and would do anything for him
just to show him the same love and affection
he gives me.
52. Pouring my heart out to God
My heart aches when im in my dry season
my gifts not going too well
not wanting to do anything but just wanting to die
I pray and pray asking take it away
but i feel like im not getting an answer
I feel so weak God and breaking down really bad
The only thing that is coming to my mind at this moment
is cutting myself really bad
and that will just cure me from feeling all this pain
I just keep thinking why you doing this
you was there for me when all the stuff happened to me
but now i give my life over to you
and now i feel a lot worse
All of the stuff in the past i got over and didnt cut myself as much
as i do now
Thats all going through my mind
and then i screw things up and im not a nobody and think i should just kill myself and get it over
i just think thats the only thing i can think of
cuz im just giving parents grief and just need to do something and i cant
im just a failure and can never be anything
why bother getting up each day and trying if im just going to be knocked off and get no where
why why why
God can you hear me? Im crying out to you and it feels like you left me
like ive disappointed you..which i probably have
but the only one in this world that gives a crap about me is YOU
you are the only one there for me and got me out of all that stuff
and now it feels like your no where near me
like i have to do all this on my own
just wandering around on a path that is not mine
and i feel like a zombie... dont know what to do
all i can do is cry to you
and pray and read the bible
but it still feel like you just left me.
If i did disappoint you im greatly sorry God
i love you with all my heart
words can not express my love you too
your the only one that understands me and now i dont know what to do
Please God give me the strenght through this dry season of mine
lift my spirit back up
please let me know you are with me.
I love you with all my heart God.
thank you for everything you have done for me and will be doing in the future. Amen.
53. Darker Side of my dreams
There are days I lay on my bed at night
feeling sleepy at times
want to close my wiery eyes
and feel myself drifting away from reality and enter my dream world.
I see myself walking through this huge black tunnel in my mind
not knowing where I'm at
I keep walking till I see this small light
at the end of this tunnel
I enter the light place
and see this girl sitting in a corner
trying to hide in the darkness...
thinking she can conceal her identity like that
I walk up to her and gently turn her around
and i scream and back up a little at what i saw
she was no girl at all... some creature thats pretending to be human
I see that this thing has black venomous blood dripping down upon her
like its seeping into her
giving her some kind of powers
She starts crawling towards me with her hand reached out
wanting me to come into her fantasy world
and play with her...
At first I take acouple steps back
but her eyes glare into mine
pulling me into her trance
to obey her demands
I take her hand and we go to this underworld
that is nothing i have ever seen before in my dreams
and we start walking on this beaten path
Trailing behind her I look on both sides of me
I see this glass looking cage
with a little girl standing in there
I see that this girls old scars are being ripped open over and over
seeing crimson blood spilling from these wounds of hers
I can feel the emotions racing through her mind
as they are being ripped open with blood squirting out of them
Its a cry for help and
She stares at me with her sadden blank glazed eyes
Asking me to help ease the pain
but I stand there in disgusting awe
cant move to help this poor girl at all
From there I snap back to reality and see the creature left me there
and start walking trying to figure what path the creature took
somehow i took a wrong turn somewhere and im off the beaten path
I wander around a rut for hours on end
trying to find the right path to take
but every turn is wrong and darker than the one before
Feeling each minute passing by my soul is slipping from my body
as my blood drips out of my wrist
leaving a trail on the snow
so i know where im at... and to feel alive for the first time in my life
The voices in my head dont want me to find the light
instead want me to live in a world of darkness
to hurt myself forever and ever like the
little girl trapped in the glass cage.
But at my breaking point
I fall down on the barren land
feeling the coldness on my dirty knees
I start crying wanting to kill myself to escape this dream world
but i cry and cry
asking God give me the inner strength
to get out of this horrible nightmare
To wake up and that it was all a dream
and none of these feelings are mine
I open my eyes
and I see this is my real world
broken and barren like in my dream
and makes me wonder if this is the real me
or if there is another person in my mind playing tricks with me.
Who will ever know me??
54. Loose Band-aid
Glue on the tapes of the band-aid you put on your broken heart
is slowly coming unglued each passing day
as you feel the wound tear open again
when you fall down this black hole of yours
You fear that you cant put it back together
and need some kind of super glue to keep it from tearing more and more
from all the mending you have done in the past
and desperately wanting to keep it together
but the band-aid comes loose
and all the mending of your broken heart is shattered forever
55. Inner Self(mirror of emotions)
Ever looked at yourself in a mirror
did you like anything about you
look at your innerself
rare emotions come up
dont know what to feel anymore
numb inside but hurt also
all you want to do is hurt yourself
trying to get back your happiness
but you know its gone
knowing its not coming back
look in the mirror
what has changed you
into this person
dont know who you are
makes you mad
where you shatter the mirror with your fists
shouting why!!! and you look at your fists
and just laugh
knowing it satisifed you for a little bit
until a wash of emotions rise again.
You cant control them
the only comfort you have
is hurting yourself and god
you look into that mirror
seeing your eyes fill with tears
knowing the person you loved
is gone
cant do nothing to bring them back
mad at yourself for not talking to them
not knowning when they will go
ALL YOU THINK OF IS WHY!
AND TO HURT YOURSELF.
but you cant do it..
56. old self/new self reflection
Cutting was a good thing to do
it relieves my pain
Oh the smell of blood
and the sight of it
was satisifing for a while
until the next urge came
to do it again.
Feeling helpless, guilty
of things
I cry and ask WHY!!!
Why did it have to be me
am i a bad person?
Since my so called friends dont want
to rescue me
from this pain??
I see in my mind
so many doors to choose from
but which ones to go through...
Standing in the middle
of all these doors
I cry fearing if I go
through the wrong door
something bad will happen
I fall to my knees
lifting my hands up and
pray for guidance
looking up through tear filled eyes
I see this bright light above me
I see God's light
shining on me
He picks me up
and sets me on my
feet and hugs me tightly
I feel the warmth
peace,love
i've never felt before
in his hug.
He carrys me once more
through this storm
of mine.
Showing me I can trust
in Him and He will be
by my side
Even if I fall again
he will pick me up
once more
and show me
the right paths
to take.
57. My cutting Battle
Cutting was a paradise city for me
Feeling the warmth of the knife sliding across my skin
oh the lovely feeling of blood flowing out of my wound
was greater than anything I knew
This was the only way i could express myself
and didnt know how to stop the madness
The cutting took over me
and told me in my mind to keep cutting
you will feel better afterwards
I got tired of hurting with all the pain and grief in my life
that i realized cutting was not the right answer
So one day sitting in my bedroom
I thought long and hard on my cutting situation
and i stopped right then and there
After two years of not doing it
my cutting habits started coming back
seeping back into my soul slowly but surely
All these dark thoughts come into my mind
taking over my soul every minute of the day as i fight this battle
and I feel myself loosing slowly
like my thoughts are darker than my light!
Ever since this battle
i felt like i was on my own
till now I have God and my lovely friend
who loves me for me
and dont want to loose me!
this is why i fight this cutting battle
each and every day because i love them both.
58. Prisoner in your body
Sitting all alone in your bedroom
you have your music up loud
so no one can hear you scream out unto the night
while you cut undescrible words onto your body
You lay there feeling numb at the moment
but remember the day it all happened
when your friend dad took his desirable pleasures out on you
force you to do things you would never do in years
Remember that he touches your face
saying he loves you and that your such a good girl
but deep inside you feel ugly, disgusted at what he has done
He tells you not to tell anyone what has happened
and you just nod your head to make him leave at the moment
All alone at last you curl up in a fetal position
and cry like you've never cried before
thinking you have done something horrible
and that no one will ever forgive you
You feel like a prisoner in your body
never to get rid of the guilt that lays on your soul
thinking you could have done something but you just kept quiet
After a few years go by you can't hold in your emotions anymore
you have to tell someone about all of this before something bad happens
You go to your friend and tell her what has happen
and you sit there feeling ashamed of what you said
till you look up and see tears spilling out of her eyes
and she tells you that it has happened to her too
and then the guiltiness comes crashing upon you
You go home and take your frustration out on yourself
screaming WHY DIDN'T I SAY ANYTHING WHEN I HAD A CHANCE!!!
you grab a sharp knife and slice you wrist
not caring how deep the wound went this time
watching the blood ooze out
you sit there with a blank stare on your face
feeling yourself growing cold
and then you realize this is the moment
you waited for all along
Escaping your prisoned body
you close your cloudy blue eyes
and never wake up again..
59. Two worlds apart
walking down to the lake
you sit down in the cool wet grass
Dew drops soaking through your dress
feeling the cold drops on your skin
not caring just staring into the lake
seeing your reflection in the water
You see the water reflecting
your shiny golden blonde hair
and you look harder at your face
leaning farther to the edge
You see something
swimming towards you
this creature comes face to face with you
and you see the familiar resemblance
The gold blonde hair
the sharp piercing blue eyes
have the same small narrow nose
and perfectly thin shaped lips
You think to yourself
am i a creature also?
but if i am then why am i on land and not underwater
You speak to the creature
asking this creature what it is
and why its here watching you
the creature answers your questions
saying that your her long lost sister
and found you at last
Two worlds apart
they had found each other
not knowning they were sisters
till this very moment
60. Black Masquerade
Hiding behind a black masquerade
always hiding yourself behind a black velvet hood
you hide your feelings to
everyone around you
thinking that no one cares about you
you walk around this lonely world
feeling like a zombie every waking
moment of your life
Not knowing who to run too
So you cut yourself to feel alive and to figure out who you are
for once in your life
Then one day there came a person
who saw through your black masquerade
and saw a brighter you
deep inside of all the black madness.
This person had help
bring down your black velvet hood
and show the whole world
who you are.
61.Hope in her winter wonderland
Only one in this realm
feeling her hope fading away with the winter wonderland
Walking around to find someone
who can help bring hope back into her soul
but there is no one around
Till dusk came
She hears a beautiful song
being sung unto the blissful night
Her heart skips a beat
and a smile appears on her face
as she races towards the beautiful song
Up she goes, flying so carelessly
she runs into the barren branches
and rips her wings unintentionally
trying to find where the song is coming from
She sees her hope standing infront of her
shining as bright as the North Star
singing that beautiful song to her inner being
She drinks in her lovely hope
feeling the warmth coming back to her
and seeing through crystal clear eyes
that her hope is now made into her winter wonderland
62. Sitting at your vanity mirror
Sitting at your vanity mirror
looking into it for a long time
thinking of memories that shouldnt arise from your heart
Looking deep into your hazy blue/gray eyes
trying to see if you can mend your old wounds
that open up when you pick at the truth
hidden deep within
As you try to see deep within your soul
trying to walk down the long hallways
but every step you take.. feel yourself
sinking deeper into the floor
with each step you take
Feeling helpless and cant move your body
you start screaming..HELP,HELP
but no one comes to rescue you
You start thinking is there anyone going to help me
get me back up on my feet
waiting for that moment to come
but no one is there and you start to weep
knowing its over for you
63. LIttle Black Rose Fairy
My little fairy world doesnt like me at all
so i retreat to the moon
and look up to the milky midnight sky
with my big soulful eyes
Wishing that these stars will grant me my wish
and that anyone will listen to me
when my soul is stirred up and feel like dieing in the end
I want to fly away from all of this
but my wings are tattered and wilted
from all the pain and grief in my life
Its taken a toll on my body
making me feel weak in the stomach
and keep nothing down
Just want to die and say goodbye
but im still holding on to hope
that someone will rescue me from this
Tell me that everything will be fine
and that your prince charming is here to rescue you
just have to hang on a little more
and will know my life will be better once again.
64. Beauty Within
Sitting in the library
thumbing through some books of the Beast
and just sat there thinking of the day we met
Remembering him taking my father hostage
even begging him didnt change his mind
so i offered him to take me instead
He agreed and i regreted doing that
but if thats what is going to help save my father
then i will do it again
The Beast was angry and mean all the time towards me at first
I was all alone.. no one to talk too so I
cried in the dark while i was there
thinking how father was doing
and that i should be with him
and not with this beast
but after a few months living with the beast
i saw this change of personality in an instant
and i knew in my heart he was a nice gentle beast
From that day forward my heart changed its tune
and i knew i fell in love with him
just the way he is..and i never want that to end
From then I come out of my little dream state
and knowing i have a grin on my face
remembering the wonderful realtionship i have with the beast now
and never wanting that to end......
65. Dieing Slowly
Tears falling down your face
seeing them spill on the paper your holding
seeing the blurry words
come to life in your heart
You want them to go away
but it doesnt
just waves of emotion fall into place
stuck in the middle of the tides
you see that your life is passing right infront of you
as you see the blood dripping on the floor
dieing slowly..
before you go
you write one last note
saying that you want white roses at your funeral
and that everything was your fault
and you needed to get rid of the burden on your shoulders
You also tell the ones you love
your sorry for doing this
but needed to escape the pain forever.
66. My Secret Admirer
Tears falling down your face
seeing them spill on the paper your holding
seeing the blurry words
come to life in your heart
You want them to go away
but it doesnt
just waves of emotion fall into place
stuck in the middle of the tides
you see that your life is passing right infront of you
as you see the blood dripping on the floor
dieing slowly..
before you go
you write one last note
saying that you want white roses at your funeral
and that everything was your fault
and you needed to get rid of the burden on your shoulders
You also tell the ones you love
your sorry for doing this
but needed to escape the pain forever.
67. Open Door
Walking around in your mind
you see this huge oak door infront of you
you see this door is open
and you wonder why
you walk towards it
and go inside
Walking around in darkness
hands outreached to feel the walls
so you wont stumble through this tangle maze
you keep walking and you see this white light
curious of what the light means
you go into that room
you see this little girl in the middle of the room
sitting there with tears streaming down her face
you see the glassy blank look in her eyes
and feel the cold deadness taking her bit by bit
you walk up to her
and show her warmth,kindness, an affection for the first time
you hold her tight in your arms
telling her everything will be fine
You see her smile for the first time in years
and know that she will be fine for now on
and you walk out of the rooms
and see that the oak door is shut forever
68. Sitting under a starless night
sitting under
a starless night
looking up to the sky
on a cold winters night
laying there on the cold
matted grass thinking to yourself
when this deadness in your soul will leave
and that this zombie feeling goes away
so that you can feel alive again
the wind blowing on your face
you feel the cold breeze
to make you realize that your here
on earth and not in your fansty world.
sitting under the starless night
you go into your mind
and replay all your mistakes in life
and think how to change this or that
and how it will never be the same for you
69. Wondering Lost Soul
Running away
from problems
you stumble upon a
dark and tumbling tunnel
see it spiriling downwards
in chaos
you stop and start
thinking to yourself.. you ask
am i here
in this real world?
or am i still
in my lost mind
walking around
feeling like a zombie
in your own mind
your legs feel heavy
when you enter
the dark and tumbling
tunnel
feel your eyes droop
want to sleep but
urge yourself to keep
walking
but you keep walking
to find the light
at the end
of this long and miserable tunnel.
70. See the light instead of sorrow
Oh my weeping heart breaks
everytime you are sad
Every tear you shed
I shed tears also
Seeing my friend hurt
and i cant comfort you
im always by your side
willing to cheer you up
But it takes yourself
to pick up the pieces
and see the light again
instead of sorrow and hurt
and know that you will always have me
by your side.
71. Random Thoughts
Quietly retreating farther inside me
not showing any signs
of what is wrong with me
i try blocking my thoughts back from guys
because i dont want to be hurt again
they ask things i hate to remember
so i retreat deep into my thoughts
not to feel anything but i still do
feeling trapped in my own thoughts
but at the same time feeling numb
Cant move,speak to anyone
im tired of running into this problem
feel so wiery at this moment
cant rest just now
have things to heal
these opened wounds
cant just put a bandage over them
and say its all over
my wounds bleed deeper
each time it is brought up
seeing all the blood come out of them
still wonder why im still here
in this world of chaos?
72. How i feel! The real me
walked around this earth
so care free
not worrying about anything
that would happen to me.
till the day
guys took my trust away
not knowning i will ever get that back
from then my world
turned upside down
seeing things at a
young age... happening to my family
so crushed didnt know where to go
I turned to cutting
to relieve the pain
at that time i had
no friends to talk too
just me sitting alone in the dark
waiting for someone to help me
I sit there
alone in my dark hiding place
staring at the scars on my arm
from the years i took my
frustrations out on myself
I stare at them
still feeling the same
feelings then
helpless,weak, relieve the pain
and wonder in my mind
should i do it again??
Then i say NO!
all it does
it makes my situation
worse and not do
anything to help relieve my pain.
all and all in the end
ive found a great friend
and i actuall feel happy
for once in my life
I havent told him just yet
that im letting my walls down
just for him and trust him
cuz he is the only one
other than god that listens to me
and cheers me up.
73. In my Heart
In my heart
I feel so weak
can i be strong
for me and my family?
I give my heart and soul to ones I love
instead they take me for granted
will anyone love me for who i am
instead of a sister or a friend.
In my heart
i feel that i need to let go of my past
but in my mind i cant let go of the terrible things.
Everyday i space out and go into my mind and find this little girl
that hurts everyday.
I think of how i can help her but there is nothing i can do.
I blame myself for everything that has happened.
and turned to the sky for answers.
In my heart
All i feel is shame and pain. even hurt that wont go away.
sometimes i feel like my heart is breaking
with all the grief and responsibility on my shoulders.
In my heart
all i want is to be normal and wished that none of this have ever happened.
then yet again i dont. it shows how strong i am inside me.
Ive questioned myself will i be cure and not hurt anymore?
In my heart
ive always wanted to be loved by someone.
yet i turn to the sky for some kind of prayer.
In my heart
i may be kind but when you look into my eyes you see sadness and loss of many years
In my heart
i wish i was fine and have a wonderful life.
74. Just a ragdoll to people
how could you just throw me away
like a ragdoll that you see me as
why did you throw me to the side
like trash
and left me to fend on my own
why do you say you love me and miss me
when you dont even speak to me
why do your friends say you keep talking about me
when you never call me once to see how i am
why do you say your a great mother
when you just hit me
call me horrible names to my face
even call me names to your friends
i was your loving daughter
the one who helped you when you was sick
the one who loved you even when you hit me
and called me horrible names
the one who tried to be perfect in your eyes
and tried to be someone i wasnt
yet this is how you treat me
just dirt to you
like i dont have any feelings
75. Im Sorry
im sorry for being such a jerk
im sorry for being so rude to you
I love you with all my heart
and sometimes its hard to tell you how much you mean to me
You are the one that has helped me out
with all the problems in my little head
You are the one that has loved me so much
that even when we fight you still stick around
I want you to know you mean the world to me
not wanting you to leave me....thats what i fear the most
I love you so much that if you leave me
i will break.....and i dont want you to leave
You are my comfort my love my everything
sigh i just want to make you happy just as you make me happy
You are the only one..... ive loved after all the stuff that has happened
you are the only one i can get close to...... bringing down my walls for you
showing you my true self
and hoping and praying that you dont hurt me like the others did
I want to show you love,care,affection
as you show me each and everyday
i want you to be happy and still love me
i love you with all my heart.....and i hope you see that now.
love you ashhy
76. My heart and Soul
My widdle little tiger heart
cant take you being upset and depressed
I try to make you happy
doing funny little things to make you laugh
But the only thing i can do is sit here and listen
intently on what you have to say
Try my best to help out
and make you feel good once again
My widdle little tiger heart
always beams with laughter when your happy
Nothing could rain on my parade
when your always shining with happiness
Always smiling when you speak loving words to me
making me feel wanted and alive in my life
Your my rock... which i lean on when i need it
Your my refuge... when things get bad here
Your my lovely friend.... and i want to make you happy
doesnt matter what the cost is
Cuz i would do it in an instant to see you smile once again
and make my heart warm and fuzzy again
Let everything go back to the way it is
Not worrying about anything
Always doing something together
You always know im here for you
Waiting to catch you when you fall
Want to be your superhero.
I want you to know i love you
and im always here for you
It doesnt matter if i have my own problems
I want to make YOU happy.
77. Star Struck Lovers
Lovers beneath stars
Upon a webbed balcony of dreams
Gazing upward togeher
Into a night that may never fade
But her heart is chained
To the darkness that surrounds her
Pulling her away
To disappear into a world of nightmares
Her hands clinch unto the balcony's rails
Eyes consucmed with dark desires
Unable to keep a hold
Unto her moments fairytale
A darkened fairytale
With a princess fallen onto her knees
Upon shattered glass
Teardrops without her prince
Watching plum colored blood flow down her ivory skin
Staining her cerulean victorian dress
Shaking and waiting in a tower
As stars are plucked from the heavens
77. Tiger and Jaguar friends
this little tiger is confused on life
not knowing what to do
thinking she is useless,worthless and invisible
cant she ever be happy?
cant she get back her warm fuzzy heart?
and have that special moment with her friend
that they can romp around the grassland
hunting and playing there little games
showing each other love for one another
always there when one falls
yet this tiger doesnt know if she can confide to her friend
that she wants to hurt herself again and again
that would crush his little jaguar heart
if heard this nonsense again.
This tiger is confused if he will still be her friend
always doing the same stuff and not looking at her differently
Always wanting to tease and stalk little helpless animals
always playing our favorite games
in the rain
Wrestling each other to the ground
trying to see whose stronger than the other
but these days feel like they come to an end
when her jaguar friend feels upset and lonely
and keeps himself isolated from his tiger friend
so he wont have to hurt her cozy heart
but what he doesnt know is that
each time he pulls away from her
it hurts her more and more
than not talking nor playing with her
She feels like its her fault
that something she said made him
leave her like everyone else did
but in the end
the tiger and jaguar sorted through their differences
and their loved shine brightly for one another
that nothing could seperated them ever again.
78. Blood Lust Demon
Blood lust eyes
filled to the rim again
Waiting for the poor girl
to cut herself once again
Waiting for that blood to hit the floor
and puddle around her feet
the blood demon sucking up her life
taking it inch by inch
Tasting so delicious
that he has to have more
and more of her blood each night
he waits for her to feel that numbness
and sees that she grabs the blade once again
slicing through that sweet flesh of hers
watching as the blood drips from the blade
and onto the ground..waiting to drink it up
Feeling addicted to her blood
that he waits every little moment
watches her every little movements
to see what she will do
if she will cut herself again
or get through the day without doing it
Each day is a game to him
wagering if she will cut again or not
and if he will drink anymore of her special
addicting blood of hers.
79.Demon or angel who really knows
Demons roam around this little angel
wondering if she is an angel or
if her heart is pure black with hate
They cant pick up if shes an angel
or demon in disguise
but what they dont know
is that her heart is half and half
the right side is angelic like
filled with laughter,childlike behavior
while the left side is pure hatred
filled with hate,evil thorns around the heart
Each moment of her life
its a battle inside her soul
trying to figure out
which will win deep inside
This girl is torn on many things
dont know what to do
Some days shes childlike
loves watching kids shows,
and showing love to others
and then some days shes evil
evil thoughts pop into her head
Remembering bad things happening to her
and yearning to cut again and again
Feeling that urge coming to the surface
bubbling over the edge...till she does it once again
These feelings take over her mind
more and more each day
wondering if her heart is pure evil
and she doesnt know that
And wondering what part of her heart
will win each moment of the day.
